


mean gays (a glee remix)

by grassberry639



Category: Mean Girls (2004), Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Mutual Pining, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:55:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29223564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grassberry639/pseuds/grassberry639
Summary: And I love you, I love you, I love you. Like never before.Karen/Gretchen angst-fluff, kind of a slow-burn, a remix of the origin of the Plastics, their dynamics and all their traditions. Lots of banter. Cady/Regina spice up the mix in the later chapters.
Relationships: Karen Smith & Gretchen Wieners, Karen Smith/Gretchen Wieners, Regina George/Cady Heron
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	mean gays (a glee remix)

_2002, Freshman Year_

Karen’s been staring at the sheet blond mane of the girl in front of her for some twenty minutes for lack of anything constructive to do. She wants to lean forward and thread her fingers through the other girl’s sleek locks just to get a feel of how the texture corresponds to her own. It also just looks really soft.

Karen vaguely remembers reading something about blond hair being a recessive trait in biology. She’s not sure as to what the term means, exactly, but it’s her understanding that it’s a shared bond between her and the girl in the seat ahead of her. They’re probably related. Yeah, Karen’s wanted a sister about her age for about as long as she can remember. Maybe she should talk to her during lunch to find out if they have any first cousins in common or something.

She really can’t remember anything about recessive genes.

She finally breaks her gaze to look down at her depressingly blank test paper. She has ten minutes and about 45 questions left, most of them subjective. In desperation, she decides to scribble down a bunch of key words she remembers skimming over the previous night in loosely unconnected sentences. Hopefully, Mr Duvall will manage to decode them into barely coherent passages - and grant her the minimum passing grade out of a sheer desperation to pass everyone in his class and maintain a squeaky clean record with his pupils. It’s how Karen’s survived school this long.

She briefly scans the room and manages to ascertain that the invigilators are busy lecturing Jason about the ethics of cheating off of the pretty brunette behind him in exchange for the promise of being her date to Spring Fling (why she’s always hanging around him is incomprehensible to Karen. She’s leagues ahead of him in almost every imaginable aspect as far as Karen’s concerned). Surreptitiously, she glances down at her breasts, squeezing them gently and willing them to guide her. They’re remarkably good at helping her with probability-based questions - they’ve managed to determine when it’s raining and what the mystery meat for lunch every Wednesday is with near-perfect accuracy for the past year or so. She can only hope their powers extend to genotypic ratios as well. 

Karen’s not stupid. She knows she’s been blessed with wonderboobs for a reason. She can’t see why she shouldn’t be using them to help her with tests.

“ _What_ are you doing?”

The blonde in the seat ahead of her is staring at her incredulously, and her startled shriek has now diverted the attention of the whole class to Karen’s bosom. She ducks closer to her table, folding her arms over her chest. “My eraser fell into my bra.”

“Ms Smith, please.” Mr Duvall strides over from across the hall, eyeing her sternly. “ Were you attempting to cheat on this test?”

“I - no!” she lies, ignoring the pang of guilt that shoots through her chest. “I would _never.”_

“You weren’t attempting to sneak chits in through your…” he grimaces, “underwear?”

“No!” Karen gasps in disbelief while simultaneously wondering why the idea’s never occurred to her before. Then, she sighs. “If you must know, squeezing my breasts at certain angles tends to activate my ESPN, which I thought might confirm a particular answer because I couldn’t remember -”

Shaking his head, Mr Duvall flips her paper over and goes over the half-page of writing she’s accomplished over the course of the past hour. “The paper’s due in five minutes, Ms Smith. I’d recommend you get a move on.”

Karen nods animatedly. The girl with the sheet blond hair throws her a skeptical look. She marks all ten multiple-choice questions at the end of her question paper _B_ and turns her paper in three minutes before the bell.

“Ms Smith.”

Karen heads over to Mr Duvall’s desk. “Yes, sir?”

__

And that’s how Karen Smith ends up in detention (read: unpaid couple’s therapy) after school on a Wednesday afternoon.

Jason and the brunette (who’s name Karen promptly learns is Gretchen) stumble into the classroom fifteen minutes later and end up a few seats away on either side of Karen (all while staunchly refusing to make eye contact with each other). Mr Duvall shoots them disapproving glares and then proceeds to condemn them for their impunctuality. After an agonising quarter-hour of frantic pleas, profuse apologies and threats (the latter solely on his part), he awkwardly excuses himself to head over to the neighbouring classroom to, quote, “discuss the grading scheme for [their] upcoming biology tests with Ms Norburry”. As though they hadn’t turned their mid-terms in a few short hours back. Gretchen glances over at Karen and smirks as soon as he turns his back to them.

This is followed by several excruciating minutes of silence that is finally broken when Jason clears his throat at Karen and inquires, “So, dawg, what are we supposed to be doing right now?”

“Mr Duvall said to engage ourselves gainfully,” she retorts. 

At this, Gretchen huffs and stands up abruptly. The petite girl piles her things up and moves over to sit directly beside Karen, offering her a brief smile. “Hi. You’re Karen Smith, right?”

Karen nods, beaming back at her.

“Gretchen Wieners. My father’s the inventor of the toaster strudel.” 

Karen gasps. “I _love_ toaster strudel.”

A tinkling laugh escapes Gretchen. “Really? I could send you a hamper if you wanted me to.”

“I do!” Karen exclaims, bouncing about the edge of her chair. “I do want you to.”

“Well then, I guess it’s settled. Can you punch your phone number into this?” She hands her a hot pink BlackBerry.

Karen does. “Text me something.”

Gretchen swiftly taps at a set of buttons on her phone. “Done.”

Sure enough, Karen’s phone promptly buzzes. “I like your cardigan,” she reads out, looking up to grin at Gretchen. 

_Me too,_ she responds. _I found it on sale at Sears._

And then, _I love your outfit, too._

_Pink’s actually my favourite colour._

_Those hoops look adorable on you <3 _

Gretchen slides her phone under the table. Her mouth twists up into a half-smile.

_thank you! it’s mine too <3 _

_pink, I mean. it’s my favourite colour._

_you should take me some time!_

_you could walk me through the deals_

_I can’t bargain for nuts_

Karen nudges Gretchen. “We could go to Park Street on Friday. They have a massive clear-out sale over the weekend, and the assistant boys working at the store are super cute, too.” She pushes her cell phone back into her bag and dumps it back beneath her legs. “We could head over to Subway for sandwiches afterwards.”

Gretchen’s eyes widen. “Karen, I - I’m really sorry, but...I think Jason and I may be dating.”

“So?”

Gretchen’s expression clears. “So...I won’t be ogling any cute boys,” she chuckles. “But that does sound fun.”

Karen considers. “You... _think_ you and Jason are dating?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s official.” She looks down. “He makes out with other girls a lot.”

“Ah,” Karen murmurs, meeting the other girl directly in the eyes. “Why don’t you just ask him?”

And before Gretchen can let out a strangled “no!” Karen’s already hollered for Jason to come over. 

“He likes playing casual,” she hisses. “He’ll freak out.”

“He won’t,” Karen assures her. “And it’s his loss if he - Jason, hi!”

“Yo, what’s up?”

“Are you and Gretchen dating?” Karen inquires directly.

“Why, you into her?” He snickers. “I'm always down for some hot girl-on-girl voyeurism.” 

Karen is suddenly acutely aware of Gretchen’s intensified breathing beside her.

She shrugs. “Maybe. Are you?”

Jason fidgets uncomfortably. “Not really, no.”

Gretchen exhales. Her eyes glint in the incandescent hall light. 

“I mean - I like her!” he adds hastily. “I just - I need some excitement, you know? I’m only fifteen. I have _needs._ And Gretchen won’t even let me feel her up above that prissy knee-cut skirt of hers.” He grimaces. “I’m sorry, Gretch, but I just don’t want to commit to something like that right now.”

“Why did you get her into trouble, then?” Karen can feel something akin to rage bubbling up her chest, but she can’t put her finger on it. “Why’d you lead her on?”

“Karen!” Gretchen interjects. “Thank you. I - Jason, I totally understand. I just...I really - I agree with the sentiment,” she babbles. “I don’t want to be tied down, either. I completely -”

“Awesome, dawg.”

“No!” she shrieks urgently. “I’m...we don’t need to be exclusive. I’m _totally_ slutting it up too. Part of adolescence, ri -” she gasps, struggling to control her breathing, “right?”

“Right!” Karen adds helpfully. 

“Yeah,” Jason mumbles uncomfortably, getting up. “I’ll leave you two to it.”

Gretchen locks eyes with Karen. “Thanks, Kar.”

“Yeah, no problem!” Karen grins broadly. “Anything for a friend, right?”

“I -” Gretchen shuts her eyes. “That was meant to be sarcastic.”

“Oh.” Karen gazes at her. “I’m sorry then.”

“So...we’re friends, huh?”

“Aren’t we? You’re sending me free packages of toaster strudel, and I’m taking you out to my favourite designer store.” Karen knits her brows together. “Isn’t that what friends do?”

“I...guess.” Without warning, Gretchen throws her arms around Karen in a hug. She smells like cherry lip gloss. “Thank you, Karen.”

Karen pulls her in tighter, sniffing at her hair. It’s not the same as the lip gloss, but it does compliment it, somehow. Karen guesses it’s apple shampoo.

“You smell nice.”

Gretchen giggles. “You smell like sandalwood.”

“Is that a good thing?”

Gretchen starts to pull away, and Karen inhales the fragrance of her apple-coated hair deeply one last time before letting go. She doesn’t want to let go. Gretchen is a good hugger. Possibly even better than her mom.

“Yeah.” Gretchen shivers. “You smell like my nana.” Karen laughs.

“Why haven’t I seen you before?” Gretchen asks curiously. “You’d think I’d have noticed you in at least _one_ of my classes. Or during lunch.”

“Oh, I used to attend the public school in the inner city,” Karen responds offhandedly. “I transferred in here at the beginning of the semester because they wanted to hold me back an additional year.”

Gretchen arcs an eyebrow. “Do you...find it easier here?”

“Sort of. I’m still failing most of my classes, but so is half the grade.”

“I could help you,” she says softly. “I have a lot of spare time on my hands. Especially now that -” she wipes at one of her eyes, “Jason’s apparently decided to dump me.” At this, she bursts into tears.

Karen stares at her, open-mouthed. “Honey -” 

Gretchen whimpers.

“Gretchen.” Karen swiftly wraps her new best friend into a hug. “Do you wanna come over to my place to hang out after school? I could hook you up with someone way cooler.” She strokes Gretchen’s hair lightly. “And cuter, too.”

They’re interrupted by Mr Duvall bursting through the door with a grin plastered over his face that almost immediately slides off. “What have you three been doing over the past hour?”

___

The next day, Gretchen reaches school early and plops her schoolbag on the desk beside Karen’s assigned seat.

She then sends Karen’s designated desk partner, Bethany Byrd, on her way with a withering look.

“Gretchen!”

Gretchen bites her lip. “I really liked hanging out with you last night.”

“Oh! Me too,” Karen beams.

At this, the girl in front of them whips around. “Do I know you two?”

Gretchen balks defensively. “Gretchen Wieners. We had algebra together last year?”

The girl looks utterly nonplussed but ploughs on with a big, phoney grin regardless. “ _Right._ And you are…?”

“Karen Smith. I really like your hair.”

The girl smiles. “And I _love_ that tank top. Where did you get it?”

“Sears. It was on discount.”

The girl pulls a face. “ _Sears._ Hmm.”

“I’m sorry, you are?”

Gretchen holds her palm up immediately. “She’s Regina. George.” She still looks weirdly defensive. “I’ve heard a lot about you. More than I ever learnt from sitting next to you for a whole school year, actually.” Her voice is almost saccharinely pleasant as she measuredly drops her hand onto Karen’s.

This doesn’t go unnoticed by Regina, who throws Karen a quizzical look at once. When Karen doesn’t respond, she shifts her focus to Gretchen once again. “I’m sorry, that was a busy year. You’re, like, really pretty,” she adds.

Gretchen sniffs.

“I’d be more than willing to make it up to the two of you, though.”

Gretchen cocks an eyebrow skeptically.

“I’m inviting the two of you,” she smirks, eyes glinting mischievously, “to sit with me and my boyfriend, Kyle – he’s a junior, by the way, and _totally_ gorgeous – every day for the rest of the week.” 

“Thank –”

Gretchen nudges her in the ribs. “That’s very gracious of you, Regina, but –”

“Coolness!” Regina interjects. We’ll see you at lunch, then.”

Gretchen spends the rest of the period defaming her Chem textbook with elaborate notes briefing Karen in on Regina’s notorious debauchery.

“Regina seems…sweet,” Karen protests.

___

That afternoon, Gretchen drops by Karen’s place with two bottles of Coke and a bag of overpriced nachos from Taco Bell.

As it turns out, this is Karen’s first time trying nachos. “We should go out to Taco Bell for my birthday,” she suggests. “Just the two of us. And Regina, maybe.”

Lunch with Regina had turned out surprisingly fun. They gossiped about the cutest guys in school, swapped hair care routines and picked every line of Avril Lavigne’s (who apparently was Regina’s biggest idol) latest single apart. Gretchen asked what their first time was like, and Kyle blushed and mumbled something about them “planning a do-over before he moved away”. Apparently, he was moving away to Indiana before the end of the year.

They spent the rest of the break comparing wank fantasies. Gretchen remained oddly quiet.

They end up curling up under Karen’s comforters with her laptop and a pirated DVD of _Clueless._

Karen tells Gretchen she really identifies with Cher, and surprisingly enough, Gretchen doesn’t even crack a smile. She just nods understandingly.

When they near the climax, Gretchen hits pause and asks in a low voice, “Have you ever done it?”

“Done what?”

“Y’know. The…devil’s tango.”

“Huh?”

Her voice lowers discernibly. “I mean sex.” She clears her throat. “Have you had sex?”

“Yeah.”

“When? With whom?”

“A bunch of dudes at my old school.”

Gretchen gasps. “How many times have you…actually, well…” She trails off. “I’m sorry if I’m being invasive, but…”

“I did it with around six different guys. It was fun. More so when I got to top them.”

Gretchen squeezes her eyes shut.

“You’ll enjoy it when you’re ready, too.”

“Mm-hmm. She nods. “Thank you, Karen.”

She leans over and is just about to hit play when Karen’s phone starts to buzz obnoxiously.

Karen sighs and gets up. “Be right back. Don’t move ahead without me. Or finish the nachos.”

It’s Regina.

“It’s Regina,” she calls.

Gretchen darts up to join her. “Put it on speaker,” she hisses.

Karen does.

“You didn’t tell me you were going to hang out without me, byotches.”

Snap.

“We didn’t…plan on it,” Karen mumbles.

“Whatever. Kyle and I were sexting anyway.”

“Oh. Cool.”

“I’m worried about you two. Do you even have dates to the Spring Fling?”

“Oh, I think Jason was planning on -”

“I thought Karen and I could go together,” Gretchen interrupts.

Karen’s eyes widen, and she can’t stop her face breaking into a grin. “You _did?”_

“As friends, obviously,” Gretchen adds hastily. “This year is all about fabstinence for me here on. And we’d look really cute twinning in colour-coded dresses at Spring Fling together.”

“I – yeah!” Karen exclaims. “Gretchen, I’d love –”

“You two aren’t going to Spring Fling together!” Regina interrupts. “Everyone already thinks you’re lesbians. And none of us wants that, obviously.”

“We…don’t?” Karen starts.

“They do?” Gretchen cries at the same time, looking absolutely distraught. “Regina, you know that’s not true. You know what happened to Janis Ian at this school –”

“It’s cool. I can hook the both of you up with smokin’ dates. You guys are hot enough.” Gretchen does a little courtesy in the general direction of the phone, wiggling her eyebrows, and Karen can’t help giggling. 

“I’m really glad you confided in me, though. It wouldn’t have been as easy if you’d told me a week later.” Karen can practically hear her scoffing. “I can’t believe you were planning on going together. _Damn_ you’re lucky you have me to guide you.”

“Regina, _thank_ you,” Gretchen breathes. “You’re an amazing friend.”

“I know, right?”

Karen studies her fingernails, not wanting or knowing what to say or do. “Yeah, Regina, thanks,” she musters finally.

“Okay, so I’m thinking Karen could go with Alan Wu. Right? And Gretchen, I know for a _fact_ that Shane Oman’s always had a thing for you…”

___

Soon enough, the three of them have built their own little clique, with Regina as the somewhat unofficial Queen Bee.

Regina’s effortlessly cool. She has connections _everywhere,_ and people literally part in the hallways when she walks by.

This, of course, largely boosts Gretchen’s and Karen’s social status as well. In absolutely no time, they’re deciding what and who is cool and practically ruling the school. Karen overhears Jason and his band of skanks call them “the Plastics” during algebra one Thursday afternoon shortly after their riveting performance of “Jingle Bell Rock” at the Christmas celebration (Regina bossed the whole thing over and Karen would’ve never wanted in if Gretch hadn’t absolutely begged her) and finds it absolutely hilarious. Pretty soon, the name ends up sticking and only adds to their already booming reputation.

Regina gets weirdly possessive whenever Gretchen and Karen dare to hang out without her. The day after Kyle leaves for Indiana and Regina promptly finds herself a new piece of shiny man candy (this time it’s a senior named Aaron Samuels who plays for the football team) Gretchen drops by Karen’s to talk…alone.

“I miss us.” Gretchen says. “We’re supposed to be best friends, but it just…isn’t the same with Regina.”

“I know!” Karen agrees. “I miss shopping at Sears and getting tacos and just...hanging out.”

“Wearing hoops.”

“Twinning all-pink wardrobes.”

“You know what we should do?” Gretchen suggests defiantly. “We should make a pact. Just the two of us.”

“A…pact?”

“Every Wednesday henceforth,” Gretchen declares dramatically, “the two of us shall strictly wear pink. In some shape or form.”

They instantaneously burst into of giggles. “Gretchen, that’s sheer genius,” Karen gasps.

“I know, right?” Her eyes soften. “I know it’s cheesy, but I want to preserve our friendship.”

“I’ve always liked cheesy friendship rituals,” Karen nods.

“I know you do.”

They share a smile.

“And no sweatpants!” Gretchen adds. “They’re absolutely disgusting.”

“But they’re comfy!” Karen protests.

“Fine, fine. You can wear whatever you want to,” the other girl concedes. “You’d look adorbs in a trash bag.” A strange expression crosses her face as she sighs dreamily.

“Yeah! I would, actually,” Karen considers. “Thanks, Gretch.”

Gretchen shakes her head lightly and leans over Karen’s shoulder, making herself comfortable. “You’re a massive dork, you know that?”

___

“What were you guys doing last night?”

Gretchen grits her teeth and looks down. “Preparing for Hanukkah.”

“Gretchen and I hung out,” Karen informs Regina.

“Karen!”

“I helped her prepare for Hanukkah,” Karen adds helpfully.

“It’s fine, Gretch.” Regina’s voice is silky. “You could’ve mentioned, though. I’d have loved to help.”

“We – didn’t think it was your kind of thing,” Gretchen explains.

“Well, it is. What did you talk about?”

“We made up a bunch of rules,” Karen blurts out. “For fun. Gretchen wants us to wear pink on Wednesdays.”

Gretchen bites her lip and shoots Karen a glance. Karen remains oblivious.

“You guys!” Regina exclaims. “That does sound fun. We should make up our own rules. It can be, like, a shared bond,” she laughs. Gretchen and Karen swap glances. “To make sure no one infiltrates our little group,” she adds jokingly. 

“One for every day of the week. So on Wednesdays, we wear pink -”

“No sweatpants on Monday,” Gretchen cuts in roughly.

“Alright! No sweatpants on Monday.” Regina nods approvingly.

It’s now Karen’s turn to glance nervously at Gretchen, who obstinately stares ahead.

“No vests. At all.”

“Ponytails are valid only once a week.”

“Nothing from Sears.”

Gretchen and Karen don’t speak for the rest of the day.

___

**Author's Note:**

> Mm. I apologise if that was kind of an abrupt ending; I have a lot more written but wasn’t sure where to cut the first chapter off. I had a lot of fun writing this! I’ve always enjoyed the Karen/Gretchen dynamic and Karen’s flat voice was a little hard to ease into but sooooo fun to write with. I’ll probably be switching POVs in the next chapter though! Thanks for dropping by:D


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